I just found out the news I’m expecting my first child a few weeks ago and I’m 8 weeks in! I’ve Been flooded with so much anxiety which I’m sure is normal, but no one your entire life prepares you for how isolating your first trimester can be, it’s 12 weeks of keeping the biggest most fragile secret of your life that you just want to shout out and burst at the seams with to the world, but you can’t because of the high risk of miscarriage during this time and if that does happen I don’t want to be in a position where I have to relive that moment over and over explaining myself to people. These past 8 weeks have been so hard physically and mentally, my body feels like I can’t catch enough sleep and let’s talk about “morning sickness” or more like all day long sickness and vomiting/gagging and nothing I mean nothing makes me feel better at all, just started a new job a week or so before I found out the news and I’ve already had a hospital trip for dehydration and missed so many days I’m to the point where I don’t even know if I can show my face there anymore even if I felt better. My body is changing every single day I’m filled with excitement and almost disbelief. I’m coming upon my 29th birthday in 1 month and my 7 year anniversary in 5 months and life just seems to keep flying by. I’ve always told myself I’d be the best mother to my unborn child that I’d fill it’s heart with every ounce of pure love I had in my body, I’ve always wanted my own family since the family I was born into was so broken my entire life, and here I am a soon to be mom unexpectedly life has thrown me this miracle and I am scared I want to be able to provide the life I was never gifted as a child, which is a guilt free childhood without worry about moving around, being hungry, addiction or homelessness, the worries I had and dealt with at a young age was something I shouldn’t have ever had to experience. That’s the thing though, life is so unpredictable and can be super unplanned and most times unpleasant, you never know the cards your dealt and where you’ll be years from now, anything can happen and tragedy doesn’t pick and discriminate who it strikes. I find myself wondering even though I was unplanned by my parents, I wonder if they ever had the same thoughts as I am now and a better plan for my future or secret promises to me on a better life? Sometimes I feel like my brain is always on a never ending road of trying to scan into my future and constantly trying to prepare myself for the what if bad scenarios, as if life in the present isn’t already enough to deal with? Lol hello anxiety my inner enemy. That’s something I really need to work on myself before the baby gets here, I need to just take it Day by day and strive for the best because now someone is relying on me more than ever.
Its been a few years since I opened my blog and logged back in, life consumed me in the worst ways, during my early teens was a nonstop battle of staying above homelessness, dropping out of school to work multiple random jobs, Renting my first apartment at age 17, moving around California in search of somewhere that I could call home because I never had that feeling of a home and always being on my own. When I finally hit my 20s I met the love of my life and everything seemed to be going great, now let’s talk about the end of the 20s, it’s a age where a dark cloud seems to hang over you, you start feelings of regret and a hurt ego, I felt as if I just woke up one day so close to 30 working as a waitress, no diploma and still renting, while everyone around you seemed to already be established in a career,owned a home and started a family, then all of a sudden the waitressing job I clocked in for everyday ends up filling me with anxiety and embarrassment and one day I just walked out, I lost my house because I couldn’t afford it, checked myself into therapy and had the break down of the century, over the course of a few years I bounced around from job to job trying to find something that made me happy and proud to say out loud and that left me with one disappointing check after another and financially Could not keep myself a float anymore, I have a wonderful spouse who supports every single crazy pipe dream I’ve ever had the last 7 years, even when none of them ever succeeded. Well here I am today, I landed a few weeks ago what I thought to be a great job in the veterinary Field I couldn’t believe it I felt as if I finally got my “big break” it’s been such hard work and a lot to learn so quickly but entirely rewarding, fast forward two weeks to my first check as I stare down at it my gut sank, it wasn’t even enough to pay my car there at the top corner screaming out at me is minimum wage a slap in the face with a hard reality and still filled with sadness and disappointment and the nagging feeling on will I ever find pure happiness? Will I ever be financially comfortable? Or will I always be on this uphill battle in life. Where do I go from here? Why does the number of my age suddenly make me feel so lost and thirty is approaching so fast like it’s a quick march to my death? As I look around everyone seems to be so content with where they work everyday how come I can’t find the same satisfaction?
One of my favorite Campsite’s to visit is Big trees in Calaveras CA. they have a beautiful preserved meadow in the middle of the campsites. During the day the whole meadow is full of light and wild flowers stretching up towards the sun when night falls the moon glows seeming to only light up the middle with every star shining as the trees shadow around it, I love hearing campfires at night crackle while the fires light dances through the trees. this is where I feel most alive there’s just something so fulfilling about being out in nature being with the ones you love with no day to day distractions of work nor bills or hours spent getting ready, your just there existing adventuring laughing and creating memories telling stories and coexsisting in your own little built village.